48 days to go

I cannot believe it is November 1st. This means that I only have 48 days until this semester is over. Only 48 more days until I will be eligible to take the board exams that will certify me as a registered nurse. For so long that goal has seemed so elusive. I have purposely not looked towards it that much because it can be overwhelming to comprehend all that must happen before that time. Instead, I choose to take life one day, one careplan, one exam at a time. I can get through it, but sometimes I prefer to take life in bite-sized pieces. But now that school ends in just 48 days, I can look at the light at the end of the tunnel. It's still overwhelming...after all, I have just 48 days to write 3 more careplans, a huge Change Project (think lots of busy work with a very particular professor and 15 pages of research), a group grant proposal, 2 midterms, 2 final exams, 2 assessment exams, and a whole lotta class time. It will all get done, but it's going to be a bit hairy at the end.

November 1st also means that it's now fall!!! I like fall. I never got to enjoy the changing of traditional seasons back home. So those who complain that California has no seasons should all go to a tropical island and realize that plenty changes in SoCal for fall. Today was a perfect fall day...a bit balmy and rainy. Still warm enough to wear short sleeves but cool enough to enjoy a nice pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks. Beautiful. Fall reminds me of my time in London and making an American Thanksgiving dinner for all my flatmates. Such fun times.

Making the stuffing.All the amazingly yummy food...

Jodi's a married woman!

I can't believe it; Jodi's a wife! I'm so excited for her and Kevin as they begin the rest of their lives together. The wedding was so beautiful and I managed to stay warm for the most part. I wish I could say more, but I will let the pictures do the talking. (After all, I have to wake-up at 4:50am tomorrow for clinical. Phooey!)

I am a wuss

I fully admit it. I have nothing to hide.

Tomorrow I will board a plane and head less than 2,000 miles north into country 50 degrees cooler than where I am presently...and I am terrified. I like living in tank tops and flip flops. I had to go shopping for warm clothes!

Now grant it, I am really looking forward to seeing my dear friend get married and sharing in her special day...so all the shivering will be worth it, but I am STILL petrified. I don't do cold.

So for all you Southern Californians who might read this while you are sweltering in 90 degree weather, be thinking of me and enjoy it!

One step at a time

When I was about this age, I loved listening to Psalty. Do you remember those cassette tapes? I would sit in front of the family tape player and push the rewind and play buttons so much, the little symbols wore off. My family finally had to make a rule that I was only allowed to listen to each tape or song ONE time per day.
Anyways, one of my favorite songs had the phrase, "I'm climbing my mountain, one step at a time." I've lately begun to think of this as my meditation. Life has gotten extremely overwhelming lately with tons of midterms and projects due. There is so little time to be given. The faculty has become frustrated with the students because we're not reading and the students are beyond frustrated with the faculty because there's too much to read and comprehend. Each faculty thinks theirs is the most important class and students are caught in the middle. (I know, what else is new?)
I'm glad I posted my last post about being thankful for breath. These days it's easy to get discouraged and overwhelmed. I'm at that point in the semester where it seems like it will never end and the responsibilities just keep pouring onto my plate. However, I will be thankful for the life I have, the blessings I continue to receive, and put my foot forward, one step at a time.

Counting breaths

Tonight I will fall asleep counting my breaths. Each time I breath in, I will be thankful for the ease of which the action happens. This is not because I have respiratory problems, but because I watched someone else fight the battle...and lose. Last week I took care of a dear patient who had lived a long life. She had in medical terms empyema and pleural effusion. In lay terms she had very, very sick lungs. A machine was breathing for her, she had two tubes connected to her lungs from between her ribs to help drain the fluid and reinflate them, and a whole host of other tubes, lines, and sensors. I watched her loved ones hold her hand and love her without words. Later I watched as their hopes for recovery were smattered under their feet and the tough decision was made to withdraw care. There was no way she would improve with earthly measures. Her body had already begun to shut down. Tears were shed, prayers were whispered, memories were recalled and shared as the family said their final goodbyes.

Before my shift had ended, she peacefully (yes, it was peaceful) slipped away.

I thought I would be more torn up over losing my first patient, but I was actually at peace. This lady had a family who loved her dearly and from their stories had lived and full and active life. Part of what helped me was talking with the nurse over our lunch break. I knew that the plan was to withdraw care after lunches were over to give the family more time. I asked the nurse if she felt weird knowing that this lady's life depended on her lunch...in a sense, she held this woman's life at her "whim." The nurse said, "no, because she has not been living for several days." I realized this was true. I don't want to get into the whole euthanasia argument as this is not about that...This is about allowing the course of life to take place. Every birth means an eventual death. This woman's life had been extended far beyond natural means. Her lungs had grown weary and failed to sustain life.

Yes, I was sad for the loss of her family and I pray that the good memories carry them through the grieving and releasing process. I know that I will always remember that day as a day of growth and discovery. Of course I hope I don't have to experience very many of these days and if truth be told, I'd love to never have another patient pass on my watch. But I take comfort knowing that I survived my first and that it will serve as a guide for future ones.

"To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal ...
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to rend and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace."
Eccl 3:1-5

a bittersweet reminder

I don't typically blog about my faith - not because it's not the most important thing in my life (it is), but because I get really tired of people talking the talk, but not walking the walk...or at least allowing people to see the walk and WANT to hear the talk. For example, there was this guy on campus the other day. He was older, looked kind of scraggly, was shouting, and had a pretty big crowd gathered around him. I was curious to see what the issue was but kept my distance. I caught a glimpse of him and immediately shuddered with indignation. There he was, with a huge sign on his front and back that said, "You must be BORN AGAIN. Repent while you can!" Do people really believe that they will make a difference? Sure, people might be guilt-tripped into saying the "sinner's prayer," but will they truly change? Will they be discipled? Where's the follow-up with these people? This guy was screaming the talk, but had never given any one a chance to see his walk.

Anyways, I'm writing this faith-themed post because I recently had an interesting reminder. I am someone who over analyzes absolutely everything...I will rehash a conversation or experience over and over until it eats me alive, even good things. The other day someone I know got upset with me and I was startled and a bit hurt. I didn't think I had done anything wrong to warrant the frustration directed at me. So as is my habit, I went over the conversation I had with this person over and over again, trying to determine if I had been in the wrong. I asked God to, "search me and know me, see if there be any offensive way in me" (Ps. 139:24). I'm still not sure if I was wrong in my immediate actions to this person, but the introspection and surrender of attitude led me to allow myself to be scrutinized and searched, leading to the discovery of other areas of my life which are far less than pure.

So my reminder to self is this: every time I am confronted, I should take the time to search and be searched by my Creator through prayer, the Body, and Scripture. Even if I was not in the wrong in the particular circumstance, I will inevitably be shown those areas of my life which do need correcting so that I may continue to be trained in righteousness (1 Tim 3:16-17).

Win some, lose some

Nursing, I have discovered, is like just about every other career out there. Some days you love your job and feel fulfilled, satisfied, and perhaps some warm fuzzies after a good day at work. Other days, the time crawls by, especially after the fourth code "brown." I mostly choose to write about the good days, as those are the days I want to remember...especially since I'm not yet an official member of the nursing profession.

Today was one of the good days, surprisingly so. It started with my alarm rudely telling me to wake up at 4:45am, a most ungodly hour. (How on earth did I wake up this early every morning for middle school, Mom?) I know what you might be thinking...how can any day begun that early turn out "good;" unless of course it's in order to catch a flight to the Caribbean. Anyways, back to the good day.

I was assigned to the Emergency Department. I was quite wary about this as I've heard that the nurses in this particular ED can be brusque, short-fused, and generally over-worked. I also heard from the student who had this rotation last week that she wasn't allowed to do much. The nurses preferred to start their own IVs and caths because they did it quicker. (Now I'm not pointing any fingers here because I completely understand how a student can be a millstone during a hectic day in the ED.)

I purposely got there 15 minutes before the change of shift to hear report and figure out which nurse would be good to shadow. I set my stuff down in the break room just in time to hear all the night nurses warning the day nurses how crazy it would be because all the rooms in the hospital were taken, so none of the patients in the ED who needed to be admitted could be transfered...so the ED had become a mini Medical/Surgical unit. This meant they had to open up the ED 2 at 6am. (ED 1 has 12 beds and is always in use; ED 2 has 8 beds and is overflow. It generally is only open from 0900-2300.) I immediately asked the nurse who would be opening ED-2 if I could shadow him as this meant I would get to see new patients - watch them be triaged, assessed, etc... This was the best decision I made. Of course, it helped that the nurse just "happened" to be awesome. I never thought I would ever want to be an ED nurse, but today may have just made me consider it: I started half a dozen IVs, a foley cath, drew several labs, took EKGs, administered Narcan (did I mention I love this drug?), sang to a little girl, and gave a few shots among other things. I was never bored but neither was I ever frantic. I'm certain if someone had come in who was having an acute MI or stroke, my perception on the day might be different. But I did get to see a good variety of patients from a 3 y/o to a 90 y/o, from an angry lady to a extremely lethargic lady, and the list goes on...

Oh, and I have to say that my biggest victory was starting an IV in a older gentleman for whom the RN wasn't able to start the IV. Why he let a student try after he blew the vein, I don't know. But I'm glad he did... And he's going to get a lot of ribbing over the next few weeks!!